The Ebb and Flow in a Relationship with Horses

March 11, 2024

One of my favorite songs is 'Semi Pro' by indie/alternative band Hippo Campus. I feel that I relate to the lyrics in some capacity, because I find it hard to nail down what my relationship is with horses right now. By definition, I am currently an adult amateur. I hold amateur status with USEF and USEA, and I spend my days riding and competing my own horse. However, less than a few months ago, I was by-definition a professional. I was being paid to teach lessons, and I was being paid to ride other people's horses. I feel like I am in limbo trying to figure out what I want with horses in my life.

I have spent a lot of time reflecting on where I have come from with horses in order to better establish where I want to go with them in the future.

I grew some pretty big boots when my trainer at the barn I grew up riding at let me have the coveted clipboard at the home schooling shows. I craved that feeling of knowing enough that I got to help others learn the way. Given my early career choices, that is not too surprising. I suppose you could call me a 'professional know-it-all', but I'll take the label of educator.

I thought I was one of the stronger riders at my barn when I was a kid after just a few years of lessons. When I became one of the 'big' kids around the barn, there were bragging rights as to who jumped the highest or competed at the most shows. I was incredibly fortunate that my parents provided myself and my sister with our family pony, Clifden, as well as the opportunity to participate in quite a few shows. They allowed me to experience the sport of eventing, which stole my heart and still has it to this day.

When I see videos or pictures of my riding back then, I can belly laugh at how ridiculous it was of me to think I had the right to believe that I was something special. However, when you are a kid and you think that you have outgrown the need to participate in schooling shows at home, your head can get a little big.

Once I entered high school, I was riding less and focusing more on my academics and social life. I still felt that I had outgrown the lesson horses at my barn, and our family pony was retiring from jumping. I spent my days hacking him when time allowed. It was a peaceful few years of that, but I missed competing.

I wanted more.

Things started to change when I joined the IHSA team upon my entrance into college. It was the most affordable way for me to keep riding, and the team dues included weekly lessons and the ability to participate in 10 intercollegiate shows throughout the year.

I was humbled before lessons even started.

Every new member had to take an online test to be 'properly placed' into your starting IHSA level. The majority of the test questions centered around how many ribbons you'd won at varying levels of rated hunter / jumper shows. Since I only had experience with eventing and some schooling jumper shows, I answered 'none' to most of the questions. As a result, the test determined that I belonged at the advanced w/t/c and x rails level.

To say I was mortified is an understatement.

I believed that I was far more experienced than being placed at that level implied. I quickly posted a photo of myself and Cliffy jumping over a 2'6 cross country fence on my Instagram in order to prove to myself and everyone else that I was 'better' than the level I was 'wrongly' placed in. The chip on my shoulder was real. And real silly, looking back on it.

Eventually my coach manually moved me up to the novice level (about 2' equivalent). My team spirit, strong leadership qualities, and organizational skills led me to be captain 3 of my 4 years, but my placings at shows had me just barely pointing up into open flat and fences, the highest level, by the end of my senior year. I learned a lot by riding so many different horses over those years, but it definitely was a kick in the teeth to have to prove myself. I am glad I had teammates that respected having me as a captain and didn't care what level that I was in, and I am equally as glad, in hindsight, that I had to work my way up to the higher levels. It's something I didn't know I needed. I also learned how poor my riding position was, and how as much as I might be able to ride a horse, I needed work on being able to make it look effortless. I finished up my IHSA career humbly taking last place in my final class at regionals, but feeling excited for what was next in my riding career.

I wanted more.

Post-college, I worked and rode at an eventing barn that would help me progress incredibly well as a rider. I was humbled at the start, once again, but this time it was by struggling to ride (and often falling off of) so many lovely school horses within the first year of riding there. From the school master, to the greenie, to the 3* horse that had stepped down, I experienced the ground from several angles. Luckily, my trainer could see something good in me, and continued to push me in each lesson and on each horse. Eventually the hours I put in working around the barn in my spare time would allow me to afford getting out to a few schooling shows on varying lesson horses. After only a year of riding at this barn, I was able to compete at my first horse trial in years on my favorite school horse at the time. Five short years in this program, and I went from eventing at the beginner novice level to the prelim level, schooling some third and fourth level dressage movements, jumping comfortably at 3' and above, and owning my own horse. I also grew confidence in riding horses of all sizes, ages, and backgrounds. I had opportunities to ride at hunter paces and on the beach, and I learned a lot about horse care and the intricacies of running an equestrian business.

Most importantly, I was given the opportunity to teach lessons for students ages 4 - 74, and skill levels ranging from first time on a horse to training level rider.

I was confident in my teaching abilities, and it helped that I had a Master's degree in the field of education. The art of teaching comes naturally to me. After teaching for several years, I have learned and developed skills to teach so many types of riders, and I am comfortable in my ability to break down complicated concepts to riders of all levels. I really enjoyed doing it while I could, and I will be forever grateful for the opportunity to do so. I hope to get back to it in some capacity one day.

Between teaching lessons consistently, and then starting to feel really solid at the training / modified level of the sport, I ended up reaching a point where I was once again growing too big for my boots. I felt that I had more learning to do, and a desire to see a different side of this industry.

I wanted more.

A career change, and the desire to learn more in a different atmosphere, led to my current horse and I moving out of state to ride with and work for a very well established upper level professional.

I was in heaven when I first started work there. The days were long, but they were spent riding multiple upper level horses, completing expected barn chores and tasks, and just getting to spend all day around the barn. It was amazing to see Sophie on so much grass. I loved being able to ride with the best, and audit lessons that my trainer had with other amazing names in the sport. It was so eye-opening to learn how an upper level program worked, and I got to learn what it takes to manage a 12+ horse property. I even got the opportunity to be on the ground grooming at a huge venue, and I was setting jumps in the warm up ring while getting to watch some icons get ready up close.

I was learning so much so intensely.

I was keeping a multitude of notes in the notes app on my phone to keep a record of what I was learning in lessons and on the ground. I was a sponge, trying to absorb anything and everything I could. I was eager to keep climbing the ladder and become full time in this sport.

Unfortunately, after a few months of the intense learning, it started to send me into a spiral I was not prepared for.

I fell into a heavy depressive episode towards mid-November. That, plus dealing with a crazy broken finger, allowed me to take a lot of time to reflect on what was going on in my head.

I loved horses, and I wanted horses to be full time for me...why was I struggling to eat, sleep, and find consistent happiness at the barn? I was living the up-and-coming pro life working under someone incredible, riding incredible horses, and taking multiple lessons a week. My trainer really believed in me, and she felt that I was a good fit for this industry. She gave me so many positive affirmations every single day.

I had spent years dreaming of this kind of opportunity, so why was I struggling so much?

I had a poignant conversation with my former trainer on a recent visit back home. She shared with me how as much as she has loved competitions, she also enjoys simple hacks and trail rides. For her, not every moment in the saddle has to be serious in order for her to still love what she does with horses.

That really stuck with me.

I needed less.

I think my mental health struggle was a combination of having too many major life changes in a short amount of time, and my realization that I do want to keep getting better as a rider and moving up the levels, but not at the cost of never having casual time spent at the barn and with horses.

I love riding, I love competing, I love grooming my horse. I love hand grazing, I love course designing, I love teaching lessons. I love observing my trainers during their rides, I love grooming at shows, I love attending the big events to watch the pros do their thing. I love cleaning my tack, I love using my truck and trailer to bring my horse new places, I love walking courses. I love wearing riding clothes, I love going to tack stores, I love watching livestreams of the big shows. I love learning about how different barns operate, I love listening to the vet and farrier when they come to work on the horses, I love going to clinics.

But you know what?

I also love beach rides, I love trail rides, I love walking around bareback on my horse with no goals in mind. I love spending hours at the barn watching others ride, I love going out with barn friends, I love sitting in the tack room and solving all the worlds' ills with the other riders.

I also love spending time with my family and I love spending time with my non-horse friends. I love getting home before the sun sets to walk my dog and have dinner with my husband. I love the last minute 'hey what are you doing today?' plans. I love going out to dinner, I love watching movies, I love doing weekend trips to places I've never been. I love going to breweries, I love to write, I love to go to concerts. I even love sometimes having a lazy weekend with my family with no activities on the schedule.

I'm not ready to give up the ability and time to do everything I love just yet. That will mean that I will be pursuing a day job most likely outside of horses, which may be going back to teaching or it might be something new. I have come to an understanding that if I want to go big in the industry full-time, I have to be willing to adjust what baskets I am putting my eggs in significantly. I do not have energy or time right now to go full-send with horses and still be able to do everything I love that does not involve horses.

Being in the upper level atmosphere was amazing, and I learned so much in such a short amount of time. It was exhilarating running cross country feeling like both Sophie and I were going so much better together after such a short time working with people at the top of the sport. That being said, I really struggled to thrive mentally in an environment where every day was about getting better and always pushing yourself. I think some might view it as a 'soft' or 'weak' mindset, but I know who I am and what I need. If it means I am a bit slower to reach my riding goals, then so be it. There is nothing wrong with the mentality that you should always be pushing yourself to be better and better everyday; I fully believe that mentality is what gets the people at the top of the sport to be there, and I have intense respect for it. I just realized that the top of the sport might not be a place for me. At least not right this minute. I think that I personally find more inner peace when I can move freely between being highly competitive and serious, and then also being relaxed and just doing casual things with horses. Just a few weeks ago, I drove over to a local farm that was hosting a fun show simply to watch some of the people from my current barn try their hand at barrels and sit-a-buck. I had a smile plastered on my face ear-to-ear the entire time. I clearly need some of that in my life, too.

For now, I will keep taking lessons and attending clinics when I can, and enjoying time with my horse both at home and at shows. For the longest time, I thought that 'adult ammy' was not enough to describe where I fit in the horse world, but right now that is where I am. I am growing to enjoy it. My schedule is in my hands, and I look forward to what's next. I will always keep the door cracked should the right opportunity ever come knocking for me to journey back into the professional sphere.

Happiness with horses can come in so many forms. For some people, that is competing multiple horses every weekend, and for others it is simply getting to visit a barn and pat a horse on the shoulder every now and then. One isn't inherently better or worse than the other - they're just different. I know someone who finds joy in working with young horses, and also in beach rides and hacks. Another finds joy in bringing students to competitions, and still finding that competitive edge themselves. Another thrives in being the best they can be, and moving multiple horses up the levels as well as bringing other riders up to their potential. Another loves being a horse owner and spending hours grooming, riding, and loving on their horse. Another looks forward to their weekly lesson after a long day in the office. Another enjoys grooming for friends at shows and being the designated videographer and water holder. I have so many barn friends that find happiness in sitting in the field with their horse, seeing which lesson horse is next to their name on a whiteboard, attending big shows as a spectator, or taking pictures for friends during their lessons.

There is a space in this crazy industry for every type of horse lover.

I am learning to find what space works best for me. And I have no regrets towards what I have experienced so far.

I will always still want more, but on my own terms and at my own pace.

As I continue my life with horses, I keep myself open to changes while putting my horse first. If my horse is happy, then I will for sure find a way to be happy. Sophie and I will be moving back to our home base of Area 1 this summer, and I look forward to where we go from there. I will be going into some career that likely does not involve working at a barn full time, and I look forward to figuring out what that will look like. Right now, I am substitute teaching while planning for the future. I think at some point I would like to teach lessons again, and maybe also ride for others; in what capacity, I am not yet sure. As of right now, Sophie and I have exciting competition plans while we complete our stint in VA, and I am grateful for what I have access to, and for the relationships I've formed along the way. Here's to all professionals, semi pro's, adult ammy's young riders, horse lovers, and everything in between. We all deserve to be here <3

K